Friday, June 15, 2012


So, I'm not just a writer. I also do research in a lab, working with human subjects.

I see all sorts of people-members of clinical groups (psychopaths, drug addicts, schizophrenics, autistic people, etc) and normal people, aka controls.

A lot of the time, the controls are far stranger than the clinical group members. Sure, the schizophrenics may decide you're trying to steal their brain when you interview them, but that's fairly understandable, if you're schizophrenic.

When you're a control, it raises red flags when you start rubbing your feet on everything during the neuropsychological exam.

When I ask you to do an eye dominance test, don't make your hand into a gun and pretend to aim it at me to figure it out.

When I ask you which hand you use to hold a knife, don't lift your hand in a stabbing motion. I meant a knife and fork.

When you're being interviewed, don't take a phone call and start telling all your friends about the crazy questions you're being asked.

Don't take an hour long break between every interview, or we'll stop paying by the hour.

When you leave a message, leave a number to call back.

Don't leave more than one message.

Don't leave five messages in the span of 24 hours, calling purely between the hours of 10 pm and 6 am.

Don't flirt with the lab techs. They're not interested.

If you're doing an EEG, yes, we will wash your hair for you, because the EEG gel we use in the cap is messy. We will not style your hair for you. This is not a salon.

Don't take random pills in front of the lab tech in the middle of the study, especially if you're not in the drug addicted group. This will get you kicked out of the study (or assigned to the aforementioned drug addicted group).

Don't claim to have a disorder that you don't have. If we can tell, you're wasting our time, and if we can't, then you're basically lying to science.

If you refer your friends, try to make sure they don't actually have some disorder. That's always awkward.

And last and most important, bathe. Bathe bathe bathe.

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